Sometimes being here sucks. Mostly it's great, but there are times when I find myself just really yearning to be home. Usually this revolves around a certain date or event that's marked in big circled letters on our bathroom calendar. I almost hate looking at that calendar any more. Instead of being excited to see there's a birthday coming up, I'm filled with dread as each approaches. Not the "I can't believe I forgot about so-and-so's birthday" kind of dread, but the "well, there's another important event we can't be a part of" kind. Maybe that's selfish to think, but it's the reality.
We just missed our niece's second birthday, and one of our nephews just turned four this week. I was particularly shaken to see those events pass by on our calendar. I'm not sure why it works this way, but the passage of time takes on new meaning when there are kids involved, it seems. Something about the words "Bailey's 2nd birthday" and "Ian's 4th birthday" just hurt to read. Part of it was the sheer shock that they're already two and four years old. This is particularly hard to fathom because experience has shown us that they're still a newborn and a two year old, respectively. My mind just can't grasp the idea that from one day to the next they've leapt forward a whole year (or two).
The bigger part of this, though, is facing the very real and tangible consequences of being here. After all, the passage of time is somewhat easy to ignore in "adult world," isn't it? If our friends or parents age another year, so what? There really isn't that much change happening between 29 and 30, or between 55 and 56. But in "kid world," the passage of time is impossible to ignore. With each picture or video we see, we're confronted with that harsh reality. People back home are getting older. Our friends are having kids of their own. People's lives are changing, and we're not there to be a part of the shift. Sometimes, I wonder how long it will take before these changes in life's directions move us off the radar completely.
I love being in Vienna, but I guess sometimes I just miss home. And, as much as I hate it at times, I think I'll leave the bathroom calendar up. After all, I'd rather think of home and miss it than not think of it at all.
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3 comments:
I have prayed since you were a baby for God to use you for His purpose; to fulfill His plans for you. Just want to say that I comfort myself in knowing that you are where God wants you to be right now, and I know He'll take care of you. And He'll take care of me, of my loneliness for you---of all my struggles with not being with you. But focusing on what God is doing with your ministry and what He's doing in your lives reduces that sadness greatly! He is doing great things! PS: did I tell you lately how proud I am of you?
We miss you, man.
We miss you guys too. Wish there was even a way to see you periodically. Keep trusting God's plan. We'll try not to be selfish and want you all to ourselves.
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